Welcome readers new and old to my end of the year review!
Before I talk about my own experience this year, I want to put the spotlight on those who have had it unbelievably tough during these 12 months. There has been so much tragedy economically, socially, educationally, politically, culturally, spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. All the allys. It’s unbelievable what I’ve seen people go through this year and I wish I could have shielded them. I have been praying on behalf of many of you who lost their loved ones, jobs, way of life, and dreams. Your grief has not escaped my attention and I love you.
It’s safe to say the general public’s consensus about the year 2020 would most likely be:
For me, I spent most of 2020 in surveillance mode. I watched people, watched myself, and watched the world. I watched God, wondering what He would do next, curious of His reasons. This was a year where I constantly had to decide I was going to keep believing in a loving, compassionate, wise and powerful God, even when it didn’t make sense. After all, that’s what faith is right?
As I surveyed everyone at each others’ throats, people judging everything and dividing at rapid rates, I struggled to believe in the God and the Heaven I read about. A Heaven where there’s finally absolute peace and nothing can take it away. An omnipotent God who watches over us and truly empathizes with our suffering. There were moments this year I thought, “Maybe we just live in unchecked chaos“, but it broke my heart too much. The question “Are you sure?” replayed over and over in my head. Am I sure about this God, these people who I call brother and sister, about this book that people twist to their advantage, about the very fabric of our reality?
I’ve always disliked inauthenticity, but this year it has disgusted me to my core. Some of the social media posts I’ve seen have been incredibly fake, hateful and ignorant yet under the guise of allyship, patriotism, justice and unity. Mind you this is from all sides. And since they’re on my feed I know these people, the things they’ve said, lives they’ve lived and the beliefs they have. I’ll just say, it has not been matching up. So many have deceived themselves into thinking they care more about people/society than they actually do and it has been mind-blowing to have a front row seat to the dissonance.
It’s time for some to get off the stage and work behind the scenes to create a consistent life. Some would call it “shadow work” others would call it “cleaning the inside of the cup”. Either way, I think we all need to take a step back to figure out what we truly believe, how we feel, who we are and whether or not it is aligning with how we live our lives. We all are piles of funky stuff that happened to us/around us in life and if we don’t sort through that junk we are dying and hurting others. Hence the chaos we have seen this year with the lack of communication, empathy, listening skills and understanding.
I’ll be honest, I’m fed up if you can’t already tell from the paragraphs above. It’s been difficult for me to maintain grace and patience. I’m no longer interested in subjecting myself to people who don’t strive to know themselves and view their life with sobriety. I’m done with shallow living, shallow christianity, shallow friendships and a shallow understanding of myself. 2020 has renewed my dedication to digging deep. I constantly ask myself: Why do I do this? Where did this come from? How do I heal from this? What are my triggers? Do I enjoy this? Do I believe this? What do I really think about this and why? It may sound overwhelming, but I believe self-actualization might be some of the most important work you could do in this life.
We are very ignorant of ourselves and function on autopilot more often than we care to admit. We ignore what we truly feel and think just to fit in. We avoid taking responsibility for how we’ve hurt others. We fear looking at who we really are and putting in the effort to change what we needs to be changed. But we also don’t embrace the amazing aspects of us. We put our passions in the backseat and downplay the innate gifts we’ve been given. And because of all of that, we trample on each other’s hearts and our own. It’s a horrendous cycle but I believe it can be broken one person at a time.
If you’ve been following along in my blogs, you know I’ve had a rough 3-4 years. Mainly because I lost many relationships dear to my heart and my own sense of self. This year, I believe, has been the culmination of my “dark night of the soul” and things have begun to shift (hence the title). God has revealed what I believe are the last of those who don’t truly value me and I’m so glad this chapter is ending because it was THE WORST.
I did my part throughout the year to make sure I’ve done all I can to reach out, make peace, save relationships and deal with my own bitterness/unforgiveness, but there’s not much to be salvaged when it’s one-sided.
This year I’ve continued to lose people but I started flowing with the loss a little better and standing up for myself. In 2019, I took everyone’s judgement of me so seriously and began believing my life was worthless. This year I’ve started learning how not to care, especially if I know someone does not know all the facts about me. I’ve gone from doing pretty much anything for almost anyone to now, I’m uncertain if I like humans lol. I think I love them though. My journey of trusting people again is an uphill battle. Now let’s wrap this post (and insane year) up!
- Bidets are INCREDIBLE (thanks Tushy)
- I don’t have to be burdened by inaccurate judgements
- You can leave (people, places, companies etc.)
- Not many people have the courage to be honest with themselves
- Less is more
- God is going to do what He wants
- It is worth it to attempt reconciliation
- A loving heart is nothing to be ashamed of
- Time does not heal
- Self-respect is…life-changing
- It’s worth the wait (whatever it is)
- Forgiveness is a daily decision
- I do not have to accept one sided relationships
- Life does not make any sense
My favorite part of 2020 is how many people I have helped consider therapy. If any of you are reading this I AM SO PROUD OF YOU KEEP PERSEVERING!!! Gently nudging others toward mental health and self-actualization is something I discovered that really energizes me. How can we truly know and love our neighbor if we don’t know and love ourselves?
Besides that, I gained new hobbies, got a new job, moved to a new city I enjoy (surprise surprise), and have my first place to myself. I have LOVED living alone and wasn’t sure I would, it’s so peaceful. I have been very blessed this year and it feels so wrong because this year has been horrible for most, but personal gratitude does not have to negate empathy.
My resolution for next year is more silence, healing and true, deep connection. Sometimes I think about just disappearing and living in a cottage where only 2-3 people know where I am. But for now I’m content with my little, funky apartment where I’m free to be myself.
Thank you for reading! I really wish y’all the best for next year and I’m proud of you for making it through 2020, you each deserve a dozen cookies and a big hug AT LEAST. Rest easy these last few days of the year if you can ♥️
Moore Awaits ♥️