Turning the Page

Hello Helloooo another day another blog pooost

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I tell you what, God is consistent in His character. He indeed works in mysterious ways that I seriously do not understand and/or agree with.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways My ways,”
declares the Lord.
-Isaiah 55:8

As I’ve shared before, I have been battling with self-condemnation and guilt for a good while now even though I’m aware Jesus has already done the hard work on the cross. So you can imagine my shock and bout of imposter syndrome when I received a job offer in Boston after nearly a year of applying to various tech companies. I decided to accept the offer and will be returning to the city of my alma mater after a 5-year hiatus. It feels deeply undeserved and the timing is just so weird, but I have been told to “accept the blessing and enjoy the ride” haha ummm ok. After I received the phone call for the offer I was just like, “God, is this really you?

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From that point, I was in denial for weeks and waited until 2 and a half days before my move to finally buy a plane ticket. As soon as I clicked the purchase button on the Southwest Airlines website a shiver of panic went straight through the centre of my chest. I called a friend of mine who made a big move not too long ago and she said something so helpful,  “Anijah, the future will not be like the past.” then she prayed with me. I needed that more than I understood.

Someday I may share just how dark this past chapter of my life has been, but I’m not there yet. What I can say is that it has been so dark that a glimpse of light looks outlandish and terrifying. I’m sure it’s partly because I have been so excited before about new beginnings and people in my life that turned ended up being heartbreaking milestones. You could say I’m a bit traumatised by it all. Although my level of anxiety is higher, the one thing that has not changed about me is my tendency to jump head first into the unknown.

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Life is often compared to this grand story where we are the main protagonist. This concept is flipped on its head in Christianity and instead of the protagonist we’re more like a bunch of mini stories intertwining to tell a larger story. God has a perfect plan, but He also has this built in “Choose Your Own Adventure” feature we call freewill. I’m not going to pretend I know how this works, but I do know that I could have said yes or no to many things throughout life.

It’s funny, I was done with the idea of moving back to Boston midway through last year. I had set my sights on either remaining in Texas or moving to the west coast depending on what doors opened. At the end of December however, I came across a company I found intriguing that had just built an office in Boston. There was a role that was exactly what I had been looking for so I took a chance and applied. I would love to say I had faith, but honestly I was expecting to make it through one or two rounds of interviews then getting a polite email saying, “We’ve decided not to move you forward in the interview process.

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“Thank you for considering me!” *Stares into the void after clicking send*

I was getting so used to rejection that I forgot what acceptance felt like. It wasn’t the feeling of God forgetting me, it just felt like it was a time to be beaten down and humbled. A time where I would lose more and more and more and more. And I felt and still feel like I deserve it. And as uncomfortable as it feels now, it seems God is allowing a new chapter to begin.

“Accept the way God does things,
for who can straighten what he has made crooked?
Enjoy prosperity while you can,
but when hard times strike, realize that both come from God.
Remember that nothing is certain in this life.”

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

As I turn the page with God, there will be characters from previous chapters reprising their roles. I’ll be in a familiar city with a very different outlook than the green teenager who was excited to begin her university years. There will be new challenges and hopefully new encouragements as well.

The goodbyes in this current chapter have been frequent and the hardest I have ever experienced. A bitter sadness constantly strangled my heart, but in the last few days it has become this soft sorrow that wraps around. Although I hurt many and was hurt as well, I know I gave my heart fully and sought reconciliation as best as I could. I find peace in knowing nothing is forever and maybe someday I will say hello to the old once again in a future chapter.

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*Unwritten begins playing in the distance*

 

Moore Awaits ♥️