Salutations Everyone!! Welcome to my obligatory end of the year/decade blog post! By some miracle, I made it through 2019!!! I am so grateful to God.
If 2018 was a dumpster fire, then 2019 was the scorched earth that followed. I was all dried up and crusty this year. My body legit was falling apart and waging war against me. My mind was malfunctioning like crazy. My soul and heart were getting shredded, shattered, and smashed to pieces. It was gross.
Before I jump into my recap, I want to take this moment to warn anyone who is triggered by darker subjects to turn back now. I will be weaving in and out of my mental health journey in this post and I want to be mindful of anyone in a sensitive mindset.
2019 is the year where I understood:
-Why people become social hermits
-Why people commit suicide
-Why people stop believing in God
-Why people stop trying
-Why people lose faith in humanity
Truly from January 1st this year was incredibly difficult. It began with more people I thought would be lifetime friends disappearing from my life. The trend of shedding friendships had been going since 2016, but those who I parted ways with through this year were by far the most heartbreaking. At the time, I reasoned that this is all happening because I am a terrible, sinful human who can’t seem to get relationships right. This led to anxiety and panic attacks nearly any time I had to be in a public social setting. I began seeing my 4th therapist.
In February, I had the amazing opportunity to be flown out to Hawaii for the first time to DJ a wedding and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, on the plane ride to Oahu I was overtaken by my immense guilt and began to write out my suicide note. I could not understand why God had not ended my life already because I figured I could only ruin His reputation from this point on as a self-proclaimed Christian. I was tired of reliving my sins against others and my failures in life and I wanted it all to just stop. What held me back from taking action during that trip was the desire to make that couples’ wedding special.
My last day in Honolulu, I received an email from a company in Boston I applied to letting me know they wanted to bring me in for an interview.
At the start of the season I was offered the position and moved to Boston uncertain of what was to come. The last sermon I heard in Texas was The Wall taught by Christian Flores. It was the perfect sermon for me to hear because it summed up my last couple of years, but also prepared me to endure more of it. If you’re going through a difficult season in your spiritual walk, I highly recommend giving it a listen.
Upon arriving in Boston, myself and a few others immediately began looking for a new therapist for me in the Boston area. Everyone was booked up or impossible to get in touch with. My anxiety was starting to get accompanied by a deep depression that led to weight gain, apathy and isolation. I attempted to go to church, but I couldn’t handle the sounds and people. There were some who checked in on me every now and then, but I spent the majority of my evenings and weekends indoors steeped in entertainment to keep my mind out of the shadows. I began separating myself from people who were noticeably uncomfortable around me or who I felt pressure from to be my old vibrant self. I hated not being my normal self.
The search for a therapist was still going and it was discouraging. The busy season at work began and it was absolutely draining. It was a welcome distraction from my grief, but due to my heightened sensitivity I felt everyone’s stress in the office. I started going to bed around 7 or 8pm every weeknight. Around this time was when I had my first ocular migraine at work, it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. It seemed that everything that could go wrong did.
On the upside, I was able to write again which was SO unbelievably encouraging, my well of emotions had an outlet once more. This was the season when it dawned on me that I will be forever changed and I need to just go with the flow of who I am becoming in my suffering. To manage the stress of work and frustration of the therapy search, I found refuge in my walks along the port nearby my job. I could not understand what God was doing with me, but I decided I want to live as long as He wanted me to so I can find out.
FINALLY a therapist was found for me by my roommate and she was so worth the wait! My anxiety and depression got so bad that I couldn’t go to a concert I was looking forward to all year and I had to cancel my Autumn Europe vacation as well. I began taking medicine for my anxiety which gave me the mental space I needed to dive deep with my therapist. Out of the 5 therapists I’ve seen in the last 3 years, she is the best one and has managed to get to the root of things in record time compared to others. For those struggling with mental health, it is worth the trial and error to find the right therapist for you.
It turns out I’ve been living with social anxiety for about 12 years, specifically when it comes to close friendships. When enough of them imploded, my anxiety spilled over into to all social situations this year. Coupled with other life challenges, it was a perfect storm for my mental health. I thank God for His patience with me but also His deep love for not wanting me to remain in the dark about who I am and how I can truly change.
I desperately wish I learned these things about myself earlier, but I have to trust that God will orchestrate my seasons how He sees fit. He has held me close to Him as I have endured my darkest season and He has guided me to grow through it. Just as Jesus was led to the desert by the Spirit to be tempted and strengthened, so was I.
Here are the main lessons I learned this year:
- Do not book more than 5 or 6 weddings in a season
- Listen to your body
- Be a best friend to yourself
- Therapists and psychiatrists are a blessing
- I can do nothing about God’s decision to unconditionally love me
- If people want to leave, let them leave
- Work hard to forgive should God decide to bring those people back into your life
- Healing and grief are not linear
- God is always moving in hearts and minds
- The only way out is through
- I can change
“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.”
The first sentence of the quote is how I have lived the majority of my life in relationships. People are drawn to my humour and energy, but no one really got to my core. Throughout this decade I found people who I thought were the third sentence, but actually turned out to be the second or first sentence and it broke my heart. My prayer going into the new decade is to love and be loved like the third sentence in this new decade as much as it is in my power.
I’m uncertain of the reasons for all of the challenges I’ve endured in the last portion of the 2010s and what will come of it, but I am hopeful I’ll understand in the future because hindsight is…20/20
I’ll end this post with a poem I wrote earlier this year:
But in the morningThe morningThe sun will shine on your scarsProving that there’s treasure in these jarsThe sun will overtake your darknessSwallowing whole its powerIn the morningThe morningIt won’t all make senseBut you will bask in the raysFor you have not seen the lightIn far too many daysYou believed the sun would no longer know youOr where you once occupied spaceYou wore your guilt as a badgeAnd denounced graceBut in the morningThe glorious morning
I have no resolutions, just a prayer to continue being faithful to God and to keep healing. I’m hoping 2020 will be a wonderful year for us all! I love you! Thank you for reading!
Moore Awaits ♥️