July is nearly over can ya believe it?!
I’m ready for this year to be over, it feels like I’ve lived about 5 years in the past 6 months or so. I hope 2019 hasn’t felt like that for you dear reader, you beautiful beautiful human you.
I’ve been spending a little time looking over posts from last year and I miss that version of Anijah so much. She was definitely struggling, but she was fighting hard. I respect her a lot. Against all odds she learned to love God more and didn’t completely retreat into a hole of despair. She believed God could heal and empower her. She let God move in the wounds.
2019’s version of Anijah, is well, a bit different. When you go through things they can fundamentally change you. Kinda like how a piece of paper is nothing like the tree it came from. It has a whole new role in society, different characteristics, and it can’t go back to how it used to be, there’s no way.
It has taken me a while to accept that I won’t be able to return to the old me, I kept pushing myself to do things I usually did. Whether it was heavy socialisation, diving head first into some whimsical idea I have, or expecting myself to deal with things in a certain way. I hindered myself from being the me I am right now by forcing myself to be the me I’m used to. (So meta I know) Basically, God hit the factory reset button on me and I’ve been in denial up until recently.
This denial has kept me from figuring out how to live for God in this new headspace. I thought to myself, “If I can’t serve how I have always served, I have nothing to give to His Kingdom. What’s God gonna do with an anxiety ridden, grief stricken girl who keeps hurting the people He loves?” When enough people choose to walk away from you, the excuse of “It’s them, not you.” starts to lose its potency. I find myself wanting to walk away from God because I don’t want to tarnish His reputation. I don’t want someone to see me and say, “Ah so that’s what a follower of Jesus is like.” But then I hear God whisper to me:
“Humans are not like Me. I am not like humans. Now take up your cross and follow Me. Love as I love, forgive as I forgive, live as my Son lived. Get back in the ring, your time is not finished Anijah. I have not given up on you.”
Then I imagine myself sitting on a stool in the corner of a boxing ring, afraid of putting my gloves back on and engaging in the fight. The crowd is roaring and I can’t decipher who’s rooting for me and who’s against me, it’s all noise. I am short of breath, hardly able to see through my swollen eyes, and doubtful of a victorious end. I see flashes in my mind of the punches thrown that knocked me to the ground. Is it worth it? I do not want to fight again, I want to leave the ring altogether. I am dizzy with exhaustion, pain and fear. The thought of willing myself to stand is daunting, my body tremors at the idea. Yet, my lungs continue to fill with air and I feel the thud of my heart within my chest. And I can’t help but wonder, “What if I win?“
“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses.”
-1 Timothy 6:12
Moore Awaits ♥️