Greetings Readers, new and old! There has been a steady spike in visitors in the last month, I have no idea why because I haven’t posted anything but thanks for reading! I’d love to hear your thoughts and what brought you to my blog 🙂
If you’re new here, for the last few years I’ve been posting annually about how my Christian journey has been. This will be going over my tenth year of choosing to live by the Bible and walk with God.
It’s wild that a decision I made at 18 years old is still relevant to me a decade later. Especially because Christianity is so heavily scrutinized in this world and even by my own inquisitive mind. Do I really believe that there is a loving, all-knowing God that seeks to reconcile humans to Himself? Is what the Bible says actually true and given from God? Has He actually imparted His Spirit to us to guide our steps and teach us? And of course the most debated question of all, was Jesus God incarnate and did He actually die and raise from the dead to rescue us?
It takes a lot of faith to initially believe these things, but even more to continue believing as you experience more of life. What has kept me faithful is that I haven’t found the caliber of wisdom, love and hope Jesus gives me in anything else.
I think secondly my fight to read the Bible thoroughly, looking into the Greek and Hebrew and not just taking anyone’s word for what it says, has helped me remain. Deep study is incredibly important and has kept me from following imperfect humans and baseless traditions. It is terrifying how many people I’ve watched follow blindly and not dedicate themselves to getting a full grasp of the Word. (PLEASE READ THE BIBLE FOR YOURSELF PEOPLE!!)
“Now the Berean Jews were of more noble character than those in Thessalonica, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.“
This year of my faith has been characterised by three things: forgiveness, reconciliation and solitude. Love has been woven throughout all three.
I have been fighting hard to emulate Jesus who continually forgave and loved those who attacked, misunderstood and disowned him. Out of the 10 years, the most difficult lesson of all has been that forgiveness is a daily, even hourly, decision. It is a challenge to love Christians and non-Christians alike when they have hurt me so deeply. It is a challenge to love myself when I remember how I’ve hurt others and myself. It is a challenge to put hope in God’s power to transform hearts, minds and relationships. I’ve learned there is no true transformation and forgiveness without love, whether that’s love from God, love for yourself or love for others.
My heart has been ablaze with anger, despair, frustration and sorrow for a while. I wondered if I would survive the weight of all these emotions, but God is always full of surprises. What I have realised is that I loved truly and deeply. My pain would not be so severe if I didn’t give my heart to those God placed in my life. So though this has been difficult, I am proud to say that so far I have lived a life of true love.
This love has caused me to feel/look foolish, weak and pitiful, but now I have something new in common with Christ. When I look at how He loved, loved to death itself, I have been able to understand a tiny fraction through these trials I’ve faced. For when I think of those who have hurt me, I can honestly say I still love them. When I notice how God has been helping me to forgive my own sinfulness and love myself in the process of becoming, I smile.
“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.“
This has been a very cumbersome year in my relationship with God as well. He has pushed me to have many talks I didn’t want to have and set me in situations that tired me out emotionally and mentally. I’m still not totally sure what the purpose was for certain things, but I do know I am quite spent. But not too spent to look back in gratitude on my top 10 moments of following Jesus thus far:
- Each woman I helped become a Christian
- Surviving 2019
- The first time I read 2 Corinthians 3:18
- Every moment I’ve spent studying the Bible with someone
- Learning how to love myself
- Summer of 2018
- Party for a Purpose 2017
- The first full worship song I wrote
- Epiphanies about freedom in Christ
- Epiphanies about forgiveness/reconciliation
Thinking of the next decade with God is unfathomable for me right now, I’m shocked that I’m still hanging on. My goal would be to keep loving and to remain soft-hearted, it has been so difficult to not shut out everyone.
I have spent most of my life being a vault for people’s secrets, trauma, fear and shame, only for them to leave me when I’m depleted. It honestly makes me never want to be a friend of anyone again. I want to learn how Jesus kept loving anyway, how he stayed engaged with others. It’s been hard to lose so many I thought were safe spaces, but I’ve learned to appreciate and even thrive being in solitude.
Why am I still choosing to be a Christian? Because I believe in the vision God has for my life and the lives of others. Even though myself and those who follow Him fall short of this vision constantly, I choose to believe we can see incredible things if we continue to humbly walk with God and be honest with our wounds. He is where love is.
“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.“
-2 Corinthians 3:18
As always, thank you Sterling, Mariah, Kristen, Lai-Yan and Rachel for challenging me to wrestle with Scripture and seek God wholeheartedly.
Moore Awaits ♥️