I tell you WHAT. Actually I’ll GIF it first.
I think that about covers my last few weeks in general. There have been smiles and laughs peppered in, but these have been the main themes. Actually, looking at it now, this characterises the last couple of months as well. I’ll get the biggest news out of the way first, I’m moving back to the states in about two days.
After praying, fasting, lots of conversations, looking at myself, looking at my finances, and the state of things, it seems it is time to return. Two days before I moved to Sydney my job offer was suddenly revoked and the recruiter was at a loss for why such a thing would happen. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what the point of this whole time in Australia was, but I don’t think I will for a few months or maybe even years. To limit the many texts, comments, and messages I imagine I’ll get, I will try to premeditate the questions you’re probably thinking.
“Wow, how are you feeling?”
Utterly heartbroken and seeking to understand what to do next while trying not to miss out on the lessons God was trying to teach me here. Australia has been difficult, but I have loved it here and I’ve made so many new, incredible friends. I will miss them dearly, but I have a feeling it won’t be my last time seeing them, whether I come back or they come to the states. I have been fighting to process the emotions and give them to God even though denial is way easier. Also, it’s challenging to see all I had given up to get here and things I’ve lost since getting here. At times I feel I have lost more than I gained in this experience, BUT hindsight is 20/20 so it’ll be best if I just move forward. Wise words from a friend here, “Don’t look on the past, good or bad, you will get frozen in the present.”
“Where are you headed now?”
Back to Texas. No job. No car. No concrete plans. Barely any funds. Thank God for Moms willing to take you in at any stage of life. I’m trying to be excited about going back, but I’m just not. Another great quote from a different friend here, “Be careful to not think the grass is greener on the other side. The grass is green everywhere because God is everywhere.”
“What are you hoping for?”
I am hoping to get through this time with my faith intact and even strengthened, that would be awesome. I also hope to get a job real quick, because no good will come from me having idle time to think myself into a hole. Also also, I’m hoping to fully recover without losing the dreamer heart I’ve always had. Situations like this have the potential to destroy a dreamer. I can totally see the possibility of being afraid to take risks for the rest of my life, but I know God and those He has placed around me won’t let me remain in that mindset. “And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” -Romans 8:28
“What does your Mom think?”
I’ve already gotten this question a number of times believe it or not. She’s really proud of me and hopes that I won’t shut down, stop dreaming and be afraid of taking risks. Less than 12 hours after I told her the news she asked for my resume and has been sending me career articles haha. She wants to see me get rooted in a city/career that brings me and my gifts to life whether that’s near or far from her. I’ll end with something she said to me on the phone the other night, “You did not fail, you tried something and went after it and found it’s not where you’re meant to be. You saved up and paid your way. You can’t even get folks to drive from Dallas to Austin (it’s a 3 hour drive), but you lived in AUSTRALIA for 5 months!!”
“What did you learn?”
Weeeellll, refer to all my other blog posts before this 😂 😂 I kid I kid…sorta. I’ll do bullet points:
- How to live with spiders
- How to live with wild, loud birds
- How to meditate on scripture
- The importance of direct, honest conversations
- Just how much of a sinful wretch I am
- What freedom and no condemnation in Christ means
- The necessity of boundaries
- Australian slang
- How to blog
- The weight of guilt
- Certain convictions I’ve lost or have weakened
- Finding a healthy balance of introspection
- Discipline in job searching
- The loveliness of a stern rebuke
- What I need (In various ways)
- Emotions are not bad
- The effects of sin
- The difference between idealism and faith
- New ways to stay focused on God
- Letting go while simultaneously having hope
I’m positive there’s way more than that, but we’ll just stop there. Most of these concepts I’m currently learning and will continue to learn, we can just say I finished a course of it, but there are many more semesters. The school of life amiright? “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ – to the glory and praise of God” -Philippians 1:9-11
“Will you stop blogging?”
I don’t think so, it won’t be much different than what it has been now which is just a censored diary of sorts. As I’ve said before, if I’m not feeling it, I won’t post it. I learned my lesson from Myspace many years ago. I’ve loved sharing my thoughts and seeing how many people feel and function the same way. It’s also been great to enhance my writing chops, but we shall see…I definitely am going to need more time to settle and reflect once I return to Texas.
There have been a lot of tears, heartache and dark days, but everyone I have spoken to has felt so faithful and excited about the next phase of my life. A scripture that keeps popping up in various conversations is John 15:2, “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” Then I referred to the great Google to understand what pruning really means, because I have no interest in gardening. And boy! I know wikipedia isn’t the best source but this definition SPOKE to me.
“Pruning is a horticultural and silvicultural practice involving the selective removal of certain parts of a plant, such as branches, buds, or roots. Reasons to prune plants include deadwood removal, shaping (by controlling or redirecting growth), improving or sustaining health, reducing risk from falling branches, preparing nursery specimens for transplanting, and both harvesting and increasing the yield or quality of flowers and fruits.
The practice entails targeted removal of diseased, damaged, dead, non-productive, structurally unsound, or otherwise unwanted tissue from crop and landscape plants. In general, the smaller the branch that is cut, the easier it is for a woody plant to compartmentalise the wound and thus limit the potential for pathogen intrusion and decay. It is therefore preferable to make any necessary formative structural pruning cuts to young plants, rather than removing large, poorly placed branches from mature plants.”
I’m not sure of how much longer this period of pruning will be, but it’s encouraging to know that the end result will be a healthier relationship with God, others, and even myself. The sooner I humble out and trust God with this process the better it will be. The challenge is to not revert to pride and fear, which would make an already painful procedure worse. Only then can I become branch bearing even better and more fruit.
“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain.”
Moore Awaits ♥️