Hold On

Happy Autumn Readers!!

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Before I get into the meat of this post, I just want to say I was overwhelmed by the response to my Why Therapy post. The number of people reaching out to ask more questions or share the impact it had on themselves and those they care about was powerful. I love seeing how God is continuing to work through this blog to bring healing and hope.

As National Suicide Prevention Month comes to a close, I’ve been thinking about what I would have said to myself if I could travel back to Spring 2019. I also have thought about those who have shared dark thoughts with me in the past and how I would have more eloquently described how I see them and why they should remain here. I’ve decided to write to my past self and those I love a letter. You may find yourself or someone you love being spoken to below.

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Dear Beloved Soul,

I have watched you get ripped apart by tragedies beyond your control and struggle to put yourself back together. The pieces you have glued keep coming undone and you have begun to fear you may never become whole. That fear has caused you to push love away and see the world as an inescapable hell and yourself a curse. I know you want to leave because this chapter of your life is excruciating. But one thing I know is that nothing is forever, so I ask you kindly to hold on.

Hold on to the idea that you can become whole. Even though the gashes in your heart seem to never close, try to believe that they are stitching up gradually. Remember that a heart still manages to beat even after the most dreadful times and so has yours. And I know it hurts, it hurts to the point where you feel you cannot breathe and can barely see. But one day that intense feeling in your chest will be the love and compassion you have toward yourself. Then you will see the beauty within and pour mercy over your shortcomings and watch them grow into strengths. That immense love will overflow into others and they will find hope as well.

This future I speak of probably seems too bright and so far off, I completely understand. Miracles are overwhelming in that way. Yet here you are, still breathing and reading each of these words. There is a tiny light within you steadily burning and miraculously finding fuel to go on a second longer. I hope you will be curious about how it endures and wonder what it could develop into. I believe that light will burgeon into something worth the perseverance that feels nearly impossible right now.

My dear, you do not have to drown. As you are washed over with deep sorrow, lead those waters to creativity, safe people and stillness. You are not meant to handle these waves alone, let them flow out from you. I know it is scary to be honest with your emotions, but this is how you will learn to thrive. Someday they will no longer master you, instead you will show them the way to go. Deep emotions do not have to be your enemy, they can be a fine companion throughout your journey.

I am afraid I cannot tell you why you are here on this planet, only that you are here. For some reason, you have remained even now in this dense fog of misery and anguish. I hope you will continue to take small steps until the day it clears and you will marvel at where you are. It may be an incredible mountaintop or a lush meadow. You may possibly find yourself at a majestic lake with a boat waiting for you. As long as your are moving, even at a pace you think is insignificant, you will arrive somewhere new.

Until you arrive at that new destination, I want you to know that I love you. I truly do. And just you, not the things you have accomplished, only your genuine soul, scars and all. I am excitedly curious about how you will evolve and invested in supporting you along the way. I do not want you to suffer, but I also do not want you to give up. It is true that the road of transformation is strenuous, but the reward is marvelous.

Please know you are worthy of love, you are capable of change, and that there are others out there who will see who you really are and accept you. Just because some people you loved did not love you back as you hoped, does not mean no one ever will. I am aware this is easier said than believed, but it is true. In the meantime, I hope you will choose to learn more about yourself and grow to love who you are. Create a pleasant home in that body of yours where your soul is cherished. Like any relationship, the one with yourself will take time to bloom.

This all may seem daunting, so I will remind you, take it one second at a time. In that second, you may decide to take a nap, watch something lighthearted or maybe take a calming walk. Time will suddenly move fast again, but I cannot tell you when that will be. But it will. In those slow motion moments, give yourself grace and rest. Wading through the depths of your pain is indeed exhausting, but you must feel your way through to the other side.

I am extremely proud of every step you are taking, each one is a big deal my friend. I cannot wait until you see yourself the way I see you. Your strength will surprise you and your eyes will be filled with wonder. You will be amazed not only at what you survived, but how you matured. It will be remarkable.

You precious soul, I love you so much. You can overcome this season of torment and feel delight once more. The decision is yours to pour into that little seed of hope, I know it is there. Please give yourself a chance to be astonished, I believe in you.

Love Always,
Anijah

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2 thoughts on “Hold On”

  1. This is such beautiful heartfelt letter! I was truly moved. I love you my precious friend and so proud of you.

    You provide hope for others going through a similar situation.

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