Welcome, or welcome back, to my blog! This will be a recap of my ninth year of walking with God and a celebration of remaining faithful to Him but more so Him remaining faithful to me.
My walk with God this past year has been patchy at best. My church attendance has been sparse and my tithing was the worst it has ever been. My time in prayer and reading the Bible has been minimal. I have been on the edge of my beliefs, watching them fray as I try to make sense of all I have experienced. But my faith has been comparable to a mustard seed, and Jesus says He can work with that:
“‘Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.'”
The first half of the year I would wake up, filled to the brim with guilt, and pray to the Lord for forgiveness. By the middle of the day, I was yet again overflowing with guilt and would bow before the Lord once more. Once the day ended I discovered I still was in a chokehold of self despair. I spent my days looking down at my hands horrified to find they were blood stained over and over even though I had fought to give things over to Christ and live in His grace.
I do not remember when it happened or any particular moment of an epiphany, but at some point in the year I could sort of live freely again. All I know is, when I sat during communion at church and watched the juice and the bread come my way I began thinking, “I can do nothing about what Jesus decided to do for me, I just have to accept it.”
I am loved because He decided to love me.
I am forgiven because He decided to forgive me.
I am worthy because He decided I am worthy.
“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
I knew full well that I did not deserve to be saved from my sins or to get any more chances at this life, but I had no say. God already decided before I had the chance to state my case that He deemed me worthy of sacrificing His Son. He deemed me worthy of His unconditional love. So now, thousands of years after that fateful day, I let the blood of Jesus do the work.
This past year in my walk I have leaned more than I ever have on the power of Jesus’ sacrifice. When I look in the mirror, I see this pitiful woman staring back at me with many scars, open wounds, and fears. But I have had to accept that regardless of how broken I truly am, I am still worth God’s forgiveness, love and healing. Not because of anything I’ve done, but because of God’s heart.
My year has not been full of scripture, prayer and fasting, but of silence, lamentation, and mourning. One could argue there is an aspect of prayer in these things but I digress. The Lord has watched me writhe, but I also believe He has been unraveling a lot of longstanding patterns and roots. Walking with God is a great mystery.
I wanted so desperately to connect with Him as I have always connected and give as I have always given, but He has made it clear that things have changed. The ways in which I will connect with Him moving forward will be different and deeper. The ways in which I will give to Him and the work of His Church will be different as well. He has been bringing me to new depths while simultaneously bringing me to new heights. Once again, walking with God is a great mystery.
When I look back over the last few years, it has fascinated me that I have not left this faith yet. I have watched many leave and venture off into the world happy to leave behind God, His teachings and His people. I have also experienced people who still follow God choose to give up on me during this hard time and cease all contact. These things plus all of the other personal madness going on should have destroyed my faith. I have seen people denounce God for much less, why haven’t I? But each time I go down that road I wonder, “Where else could I even go?” There is nothing and no one that compares to what I have found in God and His Word.
I still believe because this life, this earth, is too much of a mess to not have a resolution. How sad would it be if there was no peace on the other side of this war? And maybe that makes me childish or foolish to have such a fairytale view, but it’s the only way I’ve been able to function throughout this year. Heaven has to be real. Salvation has to be real. Jesus has to be real.
“From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.””
And now, as my 10th year begins, I have no idea what awaits me and I am uncertain of what I hope will happen. I pray that the healing of my being will continue because many old wounds have called attention to themselves over the last few years. I would like to entrust this journey to the One beyond all that I understand. Though I feel completely exhausted and unfinished, I know God is working to make me complete in Him.
Thank you to Kristen, Lai-Yan, Sterling and Mariah for sitting down with me and showing me the Scriptures. Thank you to all who have prayed, listened, fasted and loved me through this difficult year. Thank you God for remaining faithful to me, loving me, forgiving me and healing me. I cannot wait to be with you for eternity. Until then, please give me the strength to live the life you have crafted for me here.
“If we are faithless,
He remains faithful,
for He cannot disown himself.”
-2 Timothy 2:13
Moore Awaits ♥️