Undone

Welcome welcome welcome! New month new post! All hail the greatest season of the year…AUTUMN. Sweaters, boots, hot cocoa, THE LEAVES CHANGING, scarves, crisp weather, beanies, cozy mood oooooh my goodness I’m so ready.

Excuse me while I break out into my Fall Dance.

sweaterdance

*Catches breath*

Alrrrriiiiight, moving on to the actual topic.

If I had to sum up the past 3 years it would be “The Undoing of Me”. In past posts I’ve written about how hard it has been to let go of who I used to be, those who I was once close to and my own dreams. It’s as if I was once a whole (ish) tapestry and God has been unraveling it until I’m just a pile of threads.

unraveling

It was also very difficult to realize that I have been grieving for a good while now. It felt wrong to label what I’m going through as grief because I always believed that true grief was reserved only for death or some sort of severe trauma. But it’s true. I have in a way died and so have some of my friendships and a majority of my dreams for this life. It has taken a few talks with various people to help me understand that I am grieving and that it is warranted.

This grief has taken on many forms: isolation, irritability, depression, anxiety, insomnia, apathy, panic attacks, guilt and the list goes on. I finally took the step to begin taking medicine to help me through the thick of this and it has been helping. It was hard to decide to try medication mostly because I feared crazy side effects, but as my condition worsened I knew it was time. I do not regret it.

But even with the benefit of SSRIs, it doesn’t stop my need to sort through the deep fears and insecurities that life’s challenges have stirred up. Daily I wrestle with challenging thoughts that some of you out there are familiar with also:

I make everyone’s life worse

I will always be this way, I can’t seem to change

I will always be alone

I am a disappointment

Nothing will ever work out for me

God must have given up on me

I can’t try again, I’ll fail

I may never truly heal

It’s better if I don’t exist

thoughtsmoke

And while there are many scriptures about fixing our thoughts elsewhere and focusing on gratitude, there are just many biblical examples of honouring the deep emotions we feel. Here is a slight reimagining of Psalm 56 through the lens of fighting the thoughts that are contrary to God and what He thinks about us:

“O God, have mercy on me,
for these thoughts are hounding me.
My thoughts attack me all day long.
I am constantly hounded by slanderous voices in my head,
and they are boldly attacking me.
But when I am afraid,
I will put my trust in you.
I praise God for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere thoughts do to me?

 

They are always twisting what I say;
they spend their days plotting to harm me.
They come together to spy on me—
watching my every step, eager to kill me.
Don’t let them get away with their wickedness;
in your anger, O God, bring them down.

 

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.

 

My accusing thoughts will retreat when I call to you for help.
This I know: God is on my side!
I praise God for what he has promised;
yes, I praise the Lord for what he has promised.
I trust in God, so why should I be afraid?
What can mere thoughts do to me?

 

I will fulfill my vows to you, O God,
and will offer a sacrifice of thanks for your help.
For you have rescued me from death;
you have kept me from falling victim to my thoughts.
So now I can walk in your presence, O God,
in your life-giving light.”

Even on my worst days, a seemingly minuscule piece of my soul awaits the salvation and comfort of God. This part of me assumes this grim chapter of my life has not lost the attention of the loving Father I came to believe in long ago. A larger part of me thinks it’s kind of ridiculous that I have any faith at all. I have seen people leave their faith behind for much less, why would I remain? But then I remember my moments silently crying to Him, my times of devouring His Word and feeling full, the miracles of bringing women to faith in Him, and the joyous moments of me realizing I know Him a tiny bit more than before. He is just as real now as He was during those times, we are just traversing a path I am unfamiliar with and I am cautiously expecting Him to appear once more.

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?

-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

slackline2

Moore Awaits ♥️ 

Leave a Reply