A Long Night

Sup y’all. It’s been some months.

sup

As noted in the previous post, I started a new job in Boston at the beginning of April and it has been pleasant, hectic, but pleasant. It was good for me to leave Dallas, it had slowly become a haunted house of sorts. My favourite part about my new office is that it’s nestled in the Boston Seaport District which makes for beautiful walks and tasty lunch/coffee/tea breaks. Summer, however, is the busy season so I’ve been swamped with client calls, answering a bunch of emails and techy stuff. #adulting

In other news, it has been about a year and two months since I moved back to the U.S. from Australia and wow, a lot can happen in a year. I’ve moved 3 times, worked 4 different jobs, and gone through all types of other changes. I guess you could say I have acquired my PhD in transition. Also, I’m now a 27 year old and I have no idea what that means for my life. Should I have a house by now? Maybe a firm handle on the subject of retirement funds? Who knows.

Aaaand you’re up to date! Now we shall move forward into an amalgamation of 3 or 4 posts I never finished because I have been plagued by anxiety, depression, and grief.

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Readers I’ve been going thrrrooouuugh iiiitttt. What is it? Not sure, though I have been told by a few people it’s the “dark night of the soul” or “hitting the spiritual wall”. One way I’ve heard it explained is that it’s the point where you either become a Peter or a Judas. A less intense example could be Zaccheus versus the rich young ruler. Basically you either grow stronger spiritually or you choose to walk away.

It is said to be one of the loneliest times in your walk and some have even gone so far as to call it spiritual depression. A whole bunch of inner stuff bubbles to the surface, causing you to see everything differently including yourself. Because of this it’s a disorienting and scary experience and not many people can be in trenches with you, if anyone at all. It makes me think of a line from, in my opinion, the saddest psalm:

“You’ve made my loved ones and companions distant. My only friend is darkness.”

-Psalm 88:18

And this is how I have been feeling for quite a bit. This type of darkness is the kind where you can’t even see your hand in front of your face, the kind where it looks no different if your eyes are closed or open. It has left me wondering where everything I’ve learned in the Bible fits in this tumultuous time. Am I connecting to God when only the depths of my soul are crying out in its own language but my mouth can only produce a few sentences? What really is repentance, peace, mourning, forgiveness, unity, trust, wisdom, vulnerability, sober judgement, mercy, and love? Where do God’s people, the Church, fit in these topics?

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Those around me have tried to encourage me by saying the the sun will shine again, but I know there will be another night after that. There are people going through much worse trials than me, but it doesn’t make the insomnia, panic attacks, and haunting memories any less real. It doesn’t change how alone I’ve felt even when I’m in a room full of people I’ve “known” for quite some time. That knowledge doesn’t quiet the anxiety that crops up any time I have to actually connect with anyone socially. Or the nights when I hope desperately that sleep consumes me before my thoughts do. I struggle with understanding how God is expecting me to deal with these new “features”. He can’t be expecting much.

I had hoped I would never have to experience the moments when God doesn’t feel like He exists anymore. When He would feel so far away, so silent and so foreign to my existence. I’ve heard many faithful people share about these times for years, but I reasoned foolishly that it would never happen to me. Yet here we are and I really hope I make it to the other side of this obscurity with a soft heart because bitterness is wanting to have its day fiercely.

“And when you’re alone there’s a very good chance
you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.”

-The ever clever Dr. Seuss

One star that has appeared in the deep night sky is my side gig DJ-ing. I’ve noticed it’s the only time I truly don’t think about any of the insanely difficult things I’m sorting out mentally and spiritually. It’s also the only time I can effectively socialise, which is not much at all since I’m on the outside looking in. I love that I am able to make a few hours of this seemingly endless journey of life we’re all on enjoyable for people. I consider that a blessing from God.

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As always, I appreciate that you have taken the time to read a post of mine. I hope it has resonated in some way. May the sun rise for each of us soon and if it already has, I hope you bask in the rays.

 

Moore Awaits ♥️

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