Processing

Hiya readers, I’m back from my brief hiatus

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I would absolutely LOVE to tell you that 2019 has been off to a great start, I would have loooooved to. Lovelovelovelove. But it is feeling an awful lot like 2018 part two. Before we get into that, here’s a delightful picture of Hawaii I took last month when I was there to DJ a wedding to make you feel nice and fuzzy:

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Barely a few days into 2019, my beloved 2018 decided to burst through the door for a final attack to ensure I will never forget it. I found that I, yet again, miscalculated where exactly rock bottom is. It’s many miles deeper and at this point I think we humans created the concept so we don’t live with a crippling anxiety of the future. I remember thinking at the end of the year, “Well, the worse case scenario is (blank)” and I did my best to accept, fast, and pray through a very real possibility I honestly expected. What I received was the worst case scenario super sized with an extra side of fries I didn’t ask for.

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It feels like there has been this hardcore campaign to completely destroy all sources of optimism, peace, and childlike qualities within me. During this time, similes have been my absolute best friend so I’ll explain how I have reacted mentally, physically, and spiritually in a series of sayings I’ve been using when people have asked how I’m doing(going). I hope maybe some of you can find words to express your own feelings through some of these:

  • “My mind is like a broken fire hydrant.”
  • “It’s like a tv lost signal and the channel is just static. Sometimes you make out an image or a few sentences, but mostly it’s a deafening noise and too many pixels jumping around on the screen.”
  • “Inside of me is a constant debate between the older brother and younger brother from the Prodigal Son story arguing why he has no place in the Father’s home.”
  • “It’s like being a bird in a cage with the door wide open, but terrified of ever leaving.”
  • “It’s like all of my thoughts are on fast forward.”
  • “Have you ever spilled flour on the floor? It’s so hard to clean up, that’s what life feels like right now and it’s driving me insane.”
  • “I feel like a stranger in my own body. It’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around myself.”

explaining kinda

My current favourite way to express how I’m doing is the frozen computer example. You know that thing when you click a program or something and it doesn’t open automatically so you start clicking on all sorts of stuff? And you begin to freak out because your computer isn’t showing any signs of life? Then out of nowhere a bunch of windows start popping up, music starts blasting, the screen starts flickering, a youtube video is playing and it’s highly unnerving. After you’ve had enough of the madness you press and hold the power button hoping the computer will restart with little complications, but at the same time you kinda want to throw the whole thing away.

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As you can imagine it’s been very hard to communicate lately which adds to the distress. Music has been too loud, people have been too irritating, writing anything has been nearly impossible and I have been frustrated with myself for not being able to be my normal self. The result is I have gone into extreme self-protection mode until we can figure out what in the world is going on. Otherwise, many casualties would result in me trying to continue life as if things are normal, they are definitely not, things are in fact very messy.

Nearly every day I have wondered if I deceived myself last year. Have I grown at all? What kind of Christian acts like this or feels like this? How on earth can I represent God correctly in this state of being? Why am I seemingly worse off than before? I find solace in the fact that I still believe God is good and He’s forgiven me, in fact I’ve had moments where I’ve thought He and Heaven might be too good to be true. Although He seems impossibly far right now, I don’t think He’s forsaken me. It does, however, feel like He has too much faith in me, He’s allowed a lot of heartbreaking stuff happen. He’s here though.

As always, thanks for reading. Prayers are needed and appreciated. May these blurbs of thought help you on your journey as well. Here’s another pic of Hawaii to send you off well:

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Moore Awaits ♥️ 

 

One thought on “Processing”

  1. Hey sis 👋🏽 You’ve been on my heart and in my prayers. I really miss you and I can only imagine what your going thru. The frozen computer analogy is probably the best one I can relate to. I know I’ve have def had those recurring questions over the last 3 years on whether or not I’m really growing. I personally don’t understand how God can have soooo much grace and love to see me more/better then I currently see myself. But that might be the mystery I’ll have to wait to one day ask him myself…I want to take this moment to apologize for not being the best brother to you. We all know that I have fell short and have quit the race running with God TWICE now and I want to apologize for how it may have affecting your faith and hurt you. I know we’ve had few quality talks at Starbucks and such and you’ve expressed how much you care for me and my brother and I am here to tell you sis that it’s LIKEWISE. I know I’m stubborn, prideful, self centered and haven’t been the best even mediocore disciple even though I don’t think that’s a thing but anyways…I am desperately trying to reconcile my relationship with God and being humbled out more and more everyday by it. I want to encourage you that your an awesome person and I believe In you a lot! You have always been a great sister that’s had my back and shared wisdom, believed in people , and has a Huge heart to seek and save the Lost! You’ve always been an inspiration to me , just so you really know the truth. I Love you sis and hope we can talk soon. But until then much love !

    P.s. Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat. -Napoleon Hill

    “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”
    ‭‭John‬ ‭14:27‬ ‭NIV‬‬

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