Hiya readers, I’m back from my brief hiatus
I would absolutely LOVE to tell you that 2019 has been off to a great start, I would have loooooved to. Lovelovelovelove. But it is feeling an awful lot like 2018 part two. Before we get into that, here’s a delightful picture of Hawaii I took last month when I was there to DJ a wedding to make you feel nice and fuzzy:
Barely a few days into 2019, my beloved 2018 decided to burst through the door for a final attack to ensure I will never forget it. I found that I, yet again, miscalculated where exactly rock bottom is. It’s many miles deeper and at this point I think we humans created the concept so we don’t live with a crippling anxiety of the future. I remember thinking at the end of the year, “Well, the worse case scenario is (blank)” and I did my best to accept, fast, and pray through a very real possibility I honestly expected. What I received was the worst case scenario super sized with an extra side of fries I didn’t ask for.
It feels like there has been this hardcore campaign to completely destroy all sources of optimism, peace, and childlike qualities within me. During this time, similes have been my absolute best friend so I’ll explain how I have reacted mentally, physically, and spiritually in a series of sayings I’ve been using when people have asked how I’m doing(going). I hope maybe some of you can find words to express your own feelings through some of these:
- “My mind is like a broken fire hydrant.”
- “It’s like a tv lost signal and the channel is just static. Sometimes you make out an image or a few sentences, but mostly it’s a deafening noise and too many pixels jumping around on the screen.”
- “Inside of me is a constant debate between the older brother and younger brother from the Prodigal Son story arguing why he has no place in the Father’s home.”
- “It’s like being a bird in a cage with the door wide open, but terrified of ever leaving.”
- “It’s like all of my thoughts are on fast forward.”
- “Have you ever spilled flour on the floor? It’s so hard to clean up, that’s what life feels like right now and it’s driving me insane.”
- “I feel like a stranger in my own body. It’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around myself.”
My current favourite way to express how I’m doing is the frozen computer example. You know that thing when you click a program or something and it doesn’t open automatically so you start clicking on all sorts of stuff? And you begin to freak out because your computer isn’t showing any signs of life? Then out of nowhere a bunch of windows start popping up, music starts blasting, the screen starts flickering, a youtube video is playing and it’s highly unnerving. After you’ve had enough of the madness you press and hold the power button hoping the computer will restart with little complications, but at the same time you kinda want to throw the whole thing away.
As you can imagine it’s been very hard to communicate lately which adds to the distress. Music has been too loud, people have been too irritating, writing anything has been nearly impossible and I have been frustrated with myself for not being able to be my normal self. The result is I have gone into extreme self-protection mode until we can figure out what in the world is going on. Otherwise, many casualties would result in me trying to continue life as if things are normal, they are definitely not, things are in fact very messy.
Nearly every day I have wondered if I deceived myself last year. Have I grown at all? What kind of Christian acts like this or feels like this? How on earth can I represent God correctly in this state of being? Why am I seemingly worse off than before? I find solace in the fact that I still believe God is good and He’s forgiven me, in fact I’ve had moments where I’ve thought He and Heaven might be too good to be true. Although He seems impossibly far right now, I don’t think He’s forsaken me. It does, however, feel like He has too much faith in me, He’s allowed a lot of heartbreaking stuff happen. He’s here though.
As always, thanks for reading. Prayers are needed and appreciated. May these blurbs of thought help you on your journey as well. Here’s another pic of Hawaii to send you off well:
Moore Awaits ♥️