I’m baaack 😊
It’s been about two months since my return from the land down under and a month since the ending of my Savvy Suffering blog trilogy. In that time, I’ve been practicing what I’ve shared in that series and taking advantage of the silence and space I’ve been afforded. In that silence and space, I’ve become grateful for the decimation of my comfortable little life bubble. (Try saying that 5x fast)
The bubble seemed to begin bursting in February, but as I thought about it more, it honestly began a little over two years ago. God has slowly been removing pieces of my earthly identity and poking at my spiritual Achilles’ heels to bring me to this point of clarity. From financial comfort to relationships to life dreams to the simple hope of being an independent woman by my mid-20s, God has shattered it all.
I imagine the past couple of years as this slow, yet powerful cosmic storm that uprooted and repositioned many things. There were great peals of thunder, overpowering winds, and multiple strikes of lightning.
Surely my end has come.
Yet, the rain subsided. The wind calmed. The thunder hushed. The clouds cleared. And there I was, shaken up, but completely unharmed in this clearing. And in that new vacant space I am looking at God without anything obstructing my view for what felt like the first time.
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
-2 Corinthians 4:7-9
God allowed me to face almost every major fear I’ve ever had. Specifically, the type of fears that made me wonder if I would stay sane if they happened. If I would continue dreaming and hoping if those fears became a reality. The kind of fears that made me curious if I honestly would remain faithful to God instead of becoming a cowardly recluse. I feel like God decided, “Let’s test that theory why don’t we?”
This GIF is painfully accurate to my initial emotions. I was angry, hurt, confused, and hardened, then in other moments, afraid, sorrowful, and distrusting. I thought, “Why would God do such a dangerous thing to His frightened, beloved daughter?”
I imagine He responded:
A couple of weeks ago I was stunned when I realized I did not in fact die. I actually was beginning to thrive with God, much like a baby bird when its parents shove her out of the nest and she finds her wings.
I’ve been reading through the Gospels with the goal of understanding how God feels, thinks, and what catches His attention. It’s fascinating. Just when I start wondering if Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John have given me all I could possibly need, I happen upon more amazing things. What I didn’t expect was that in aiming to learn more about God I would end up learning about myself as well. It’s interesting to be in such a vulnerable place with God without distractions. I don’t like eye contact in general so the beginning of this time with Him was wildly uncomfortable for me.
This chapter of my walk with God has been characterized by Him reintroducing Himself in a deeper way. He’s revealing more of His compassion, trustworthiness, power, intimacy, intelligence, and holiness. Yet, as His perfect character is made more plain to me, so is my terribly imperfect character. Both are being laid beautifully and horribly bare, depending on the person in question.
Somehow, beyond what my mortal mind can comprehend, this unsettling bareness has been incredibly healing and has changed my view of life itself. I’m thinking more often about Heaven than Earth and my soul instead of my worldly desires. It’s kind of an Ecclesiastes-like way of thinking.
Everything is meaningless.
Except the faithful pursuit of God with all you have.
Honestly, I’m a bit afraid of when life speeds up again. When the full-time job is found. When transportation is easier. When the bank account is filling up. When exciting trips happen. When I meet new and awesome people or reconnect with old and wonderful people. Will I still have this laser focus on God alone?
I hope so.
I hope I never forget this moment of solitude with God. I hope it set deeper roots in my heart and forged new pathways in my mind. And I’m trying, ever so hard, to believe God will keep my heart bound to His both now and forevermore. He is faithful, even when I am not.
“My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.”
I pray you all will reach new depths with God whether you are currently seeking Him or you’ve been faithful to Him much longer than me. There’s much to learn ♥️
Moore Awaits ♥️