Heeeey, 🎶 It’s been a whiiiile 🎶 Long story short, I’ve been, as the youths say, in my feelings. As I find my routine and style in blogging, it’s been made clear that I will not have a consistent schedule because if I’m not feeling/believing it, I will not write it. I don’t want to be trapped into thinking I have to be consistently posting. I want this venture to be genuine, healthy, and characterised by quality not quantity. Thank you to everyone who have been reading, responding, and supporting me all over the world, I’m surprised by how much this has helped people. I’m grateful that God is using this to draw people closer to him and to each other, it’s a privilege and really cool!
- 4 months in Melbourne now
- No job here in Australia yet (one of the reasons I was melancholy) buuuut there have been interviews, so that’s promising
- New Aussie words I’ve come across:
- Chuffed= Excited “He was quite chuffed when he won the lottery”
- Crook= Sick or ill “My son was crook last week, I’m pretty sure it was the flu”
- Feed= A meal “We can go for a feed in the arvo” (arvo=afternoon in case you forgot from an earlier post)
- I think the birds have gotten louder since I first moved here
- Australia is definitely the Faith Boot Camp I figured it would be
- I’m turning 26 years old in less than a month 😮 😮
It’s been a revealing month and a half for me. You know how you know something and then later on you knoooow it, and then after more time you know know knoooow it even more which makes you wonder if you ever really “knew” in the first place? If that made an ounce of sense to you we are now best friends, bless you. Anyway, that’s how it’s been with my character flaw of self-centredness. I was aware when I first became a Christian that putting Jesus on the throne of my life instead of myself was going to be the most difficult part, but GOODNESS. It’s a bit like I thought it was just a flesh wound, which would be a simple fix, but it actually ended up being an infection that has affected every part of my body and the healing process is going to take a whiiiiile. God has been showing me how deeply I am in love with myself and it’s beyond cringeworthy, if you could see my face right now as I type this it looks something like:
Self-centredness is the festering swamp from which all of my egregious sins flow and it’s more problematic than I could have ever imagined. It affects my heart, my mental health, my character, my family, my friendships, and most importantly my pursuit of God. I want things when I want, how I want them, and as long as I want them for. And if that does not happen, I throw a tantrum like a toddler, sometimes it’s kicking and screaming other times it’s me silent sulking in a corner refusing to speak to anyone. The world must be ending if Anijah Moore did not receive what she wanted whether she worked hard for it or not yeah? That’s ugly, like real uuuugh, you see why I was cringing now right?
As I’ve shared in many posts before, I am an overthinker and deeply introspective so I started thinking about where this all started. Why do I act like Angelica from Rugrats mixed with Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the 1971 version of course)? The answer lies in my upbringing.
*DISCLAIMER* My parents/family are fabulous, loving, and sacrificial, I’m super blessed to have been raised by them!!!!! Also I’m responsible for my own sin!!!!!
Okay, now that we have made that clear I can proceed with an unbothered conscience and take comfort in knowing that the world knows my parents are gifts.
My upbringing was filled with words of affirmation, love, hugs, joy, sooo much fun, and rewards whether I did something awesome or not. I never ever questioned if my Mom and Dad loved me, were proud of me, and wanted to do anything they could to support me and my dreams. They both went through a lot growing up and worked hard to get where they are, because of this they wanted something different for me. I tell people often that I sort of have hippie parents. I had lots of freedom to make my own choices artistically, spiritually, educationally, and socially. I’d like to think it was easy for them because I was a nerdy kid who was afraid of getting in trouble, the dark, plain pumpkins, and getting bad grades in school. I didn’t like the idea of rebellion and deceit which saved them a parental headache and saved me a lot of punishment. Also, as I’ve said before, everything came quite easily to me, school, music, making friends, theatre, behaving, it didn’t take much effort. I was accepted into every university I applied for except for one and it was only because I didn’t do an early action application (I can still hear my Mom telling me I should have listened to her and applied early). My young ears were filled with phrases like “You can do all things through Christ!” “Follow your dreams!” “We are so proud of you!” ” You are special, fearfully and wonderfully made!” “The world is yours!” “You’re so smart/talented/unique!” “I will support you even if you want to go to clown school!!” That last one is my Dad’s favourite thing to say to me, it’s hilarious every single time he says it and I know he means it with all his heart. I now know they struggled in various ways to give me the childhood I received, but they made sure I didn’t see that side as I grew up.
So you can imagine my confusion, anger, and sadness on the rare occasions when I hear a no or not yet. Or when I’ve tried my best and I didn’t receive what I worked and prepared for. As I’ve gotten older, it has become a more frequent occurrence and I was not prepared. My parents did amazing at making sure I had great self-esteem, many dreams, and an understanding that God loves me, but they dropped the ball on preparing me for hardship and rejection. Bless them, no one is perfect, still love them.
In the last 4 or 5 years I have been denied all types of stuff, or it has been postponed, I don’t know the future. I have dealt with it quite poorly and have allowed it to tarnish my view of myself, life, and God. The entitlement is strong in this one. If I’m being real with myself, I really think I deserve lots of things in this life and I believe it can be had without hard work or hardship. It’s so unrealistic. And as I look at the mess my self-centredness has made I feel unworthy of God and ashamed of my imperfection. Sounds noble, right? WRONG. A friend of mine made it quite clear over the weekend that I am engaging in self-pity rather than godly sorrow. I want to be a better version of myself for my own sake, not because I love God and want to do right by Him. OOOF. I felt the shot through my soul all over again as I typed that. I’m left wondering, is there really redemption left for a self-absorbed soul like myself? YEEEEEESSSS. But I want to earn my keep and take credit so it’s difficult to accept the grace beckoning for my broken soul.
I imagine Jesus is saying to me, “You are not perfect, you will never be perfect on this Earth, embrace your unworthiness and accept the sacrifice I’ve made for you.” I’m struggling y’all, but we’re getting through this. It’s going to take a lot of mourning, prayer, fasting, reading, conversations, and loads of perseverance. I need to let go of myself, my dreams, my ideas, my desires, and completely take hold of God. A book that has been helping me on this journey, other than the Bible, is called Healing of a Wounded Idealist: A Guide Back to Faith for the Christian Cynic by Justin and Irene Renton. Thank you to the bajillion people who have told me to read it, I’m finally doing it! I’m only a few chapters in, but it is totally what the doctor ordered, I highly recommend it. I am also so grateful for the women God has put in my life who aren’t afraid to tell me the whole truth not only about who I am in my sinful self, but who I can be in Christ.
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.”
Moore Awaits ♥️